Monday, May 31, 2010

Plea for Help

I am having a really hard time being happy about anything.  I am having a really hard time not hating myself and being disappointed in myself.  I am having a really hard time not feeling like a failure, and not counting my many failures.

I think there are two things that have made me feel so down today.  The first was a conversation with my mother last night.  I felt like a failure just talking to her.  I didn't have any positive things to tell her about anything.  She asked me how my writing was going, and all I could say was "Eh."  I just felt like a huge disappointment to her.  And to myself.  I can't blame her for how our conversation made me feel.  She merely asked me questions, which caused me to look in the mirror.  And I hated what I saw.

The second thing that happened was my search for jobs today.  John sent me a web page with several links to companies in the the area, so I could submit my resume to them.  (That act itself also has me feeling down and not good enough, but that is another story.)  Practically all of the career pages I visited for those companies required me to enter my current annual salary and my desired salary.  In spite of me making almost $50K when I was at my previous job, I have since then had two jobs that made $20-$30K.  Those are the salaries that I have to list.  And then I say that I want to make $45-50K.  If the database doesn't first kick me out because I don't have a college degree, than it or the first human review process will likely kick me out because of my salary requirements (compared to my last salary).

It is incredibly frustrating to me to have my qualifications and experience judged by computer programs or people who don't know anything about me.  It is so frustrating to have to beg for a decent pay or benefits.  I am tired of job hopping and having to go through this process over and over again.  It feels very degrading.

Aside from that, I am also very disappointed that I have not been writing.  All of the troubles I am having are a result of me leaving my past job so that I could get to my 401K money so I could pay of my ex-husband's credit card debt.  I will forever hate him for that -- for putting me in such a horrible position.  I will hate him until the day I die.  However, that time that I was off was the perfect time to write and finish my book.  I did tell everyone I cam in contact with about it, and to all of those people I must look like a failure.  I feel horrible that I squandered away such an opportunity.  All added up, I had a year and a half to write.  I probably used a total of three months for that purpose.  I will always regret that and will always be very disappointed in myself for that.

So what do I do going forward?  Clearly the way out of these messes (no money, unsuccessful, nothing to show for my time on Earth) is to change my behaviour; to buckle down and do the work required (start writing again, get an education to get a better job, keep applying for a job until a desirable one comes along).  It should be that simple.  So why is it so hard?  Why do I constantly go through the same tragic missteps that not only don't move me forward but in come cases slide me backwards?

Dear God in Heaven, I am begging you to help me out of this cavern.  I cannot do it on my own, not where I am sitting right now.  I can't see my way and I need you to help me.  and I need it to be obvious.  None of the cryptic messages or signs that I am supposed to recognize or interpret.  I am tired and I need something clear cut and in my face.  And when you send it to me, I need you to follow up with another clear cut message to confirm that the previous message was from you.  I am tired of trying to figure things out, and I am at the end of my rope.  I have hinted to my Soul a few times that I think we should just end it and start over from scratch, but She has not been receptive to that, so I know that there is something She is waiting to do.  I just don't know what that is.  And again, I have grown tired of trying to figure it out.  So will you please do me this favor and be blunt with your help?  And I need it right away or I am going to lose it.  I know you know that, and I know you have been waiting for me to simply ask for your help.  So here I am, except I am begging you instead of asking.  Please Lord, tell me what I should do, and then please give me the push to get started.

I don't recall there ever being a time when I have asked you for something with such a sincere and full heart.

I am going to stop now and go take a shower.  I hope to hear from you within minutes.  I will be listening.

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